Bathroom Buzz

I can recall several occasions, when to use a public restroom, I've been given a key attached to a 12 inch long, 2 inch diameter dowel of wood; the ultimate key chain! The wood is so big you couldn't find a place to put that key and lose it.

I've also been pointed in the direction, numerous times, of difficult to navigate hallways or entrances into a restroom. For instance, when you have to carefully pass through the janitors closet, having been advised of the low ceiling clearance. At 5'2" it's typically not a problem, but some ceilings can get pretty low.

But, for the first time in my life today, I was buzzed into a bathroom.

Let me set up the scene for you.

It was a busy street corner in the west end of Malden, just outside of Boston. East or west, north or south; you pick, any direction outside of Boston and that's where I was. We were standing outside of a Dunkin' Doughnuts (the Einstein Bagels of the East Coast, they are EVERYWHERE!) when I decided to go in and use the restroom.

Respectively, a sign was posted on the door asking that only paying customers use the restroom. Knowing how much my mom loves Diet Coke, I turned around and generously offered to buy a soda for her. I then asked her for money.

I went inside, and decided to go to the bathroom first. While my hand was on the handle, the clerk said, "I'll buzz you in!"

I was not paying a bit of attention to her, and assumed she wanted me to purchase something. I said, "Oh, I'm just going to buy a soda after I use the restroom. I've had one too many drinks of water. A girls gotta go!"

She looked into my wild-wild-west eyes with her "I was born parallel parking" eyes, and slowly repeated what she had said the first time. It also appeared she didn't understand the meaning of, "A girls gotta go!" As if I didn't speak English, she raised those eyebrows and simultaneously buzzed me in.

Imagine in Seinfeld when they always buzz up Elaine or Newman, hesitantly. That sound, the unmistakable noise, signaling that you have permission to enter the building. That's what I heard.

The handle turned in my hand and I jumped back a little. Was I just submitted to a background test that I didn't know about? Is there a Do Not Let Enter the John list released hourly by the IJCSA (International Janitorial Cleaning Services Association click on link to learn more), comparable to the No Fly list maintained by the FBI?

That quasi-barista I encountered at Dunkin' Doughnuts must have endured hours of incomprehensible training to receive her buzzing power. I doubt anyone else in that store has the same power she does. They should just call her buzzer. Heck, make that her sole responsibility. Strip her of all other duties so she can fully dedicate herself to submitting prospective sitters-of-the-throne to a full background check, including any name changes.

Before I get sarcastic and start ranting, I must admit that I've never been in a cleaner Boston bathroom. There were plenty of quilted paper towels, a floor smelling of Pine-Sol and even Rose petals under my shoes. Complimentary hand lotion waited to soothe my dry skin after I finished drying my hands. It was a delightful experience.

So, if for the sake of cleanliness and unclogged toilets Dunkin' Doughnuts finds a buzzer position vital to their store and corporate operations, then so be it! We all deserve a comfortable spot, no? I just hope the CEO of Dunkin' Doughnuts is subject to the same background check as I endured today.