Life Simplified

Inventors are always trying to invent the next-big-thing that will make life simpler and easier for millions across the World. I have decided this past week that we really don't need anything new to make life easier. What would make life easier is already in place for us to use, we just don't use it. Here are some things I have realized make life easier and have existed for years.

1) This past week I should have used those two little things called water and soap more. I wash my hands after using the restroom and throughout my shift at work in the Pantry. Other then that....I'm not the one running to the sink if I hear a big "A-CHOO!" from the shopper next to me at Wal Mart. After a second wave of bronchitis in a month hitting me, I've changed my mind about that. Unfortunately, it took breathing treatments, an inhaler and amoxcicillian pills the size of my pinky toe (I measured with a ruler to the millimeter) to tell me how important washing hands is.

2) While I was sick I was constantly blowing my nose. It was so annoying, it made my lips extra dry and cracky. That's only where the problem began. My favorite pink pajamas don't have pockets, and I was constantly losing my chapstick. So, I took a ziploc and a safety pin and made a pocket on my pajama pants. I have yet to take it off. While I was still recovering this weekend, I put ibuprofun, kleenex, a jax kit, the remote and my pet hermit in the ziploc. Wherever I went I had all the comforts of home to help me get better. I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier. Who needs to invest in purses or pockets anymore? You can even forget about pocket protectors, nothing escapes a ziploc. Just make sure when you zip if the part that zips turns PURPLE!

3) Short hair makes life much easier. I got my haircut today. If you have ever lived with me, you know I hate showering. It's not the showering that really bothers me. It's the drying your hair, putting on makeup, getting dressed, putting on lotion and all that other stuff after the shower you have to do. It's just annoying. So anything I can do to shorten that time I do, hence why I like having short, really short, hair. My hair barely touches my chin now, and it's so short the lady had to use a man's-neck-razor to cut the back of my hair on my neck. I have to spend 5 minutes, if that, drying it and it practically dries straight. It's wonderful.

So consider THIS short and easy to remember acronym

SIMPLE

Short hair

Is

More

Perfect for

Living life

Easier

And if you hear that in General Conference in April, you'll know where it all began!

Not So Sweet Dreams

Not So Sweet Dreams

Who are these people? It's people like this that really make me kick myself in the butt and say, "They're a Child of God too". If you have not seen this website (Thanks Mom for the tip!) It's called Peopleofwalmart.com It's so funny it makes my mom snort while she's looking at it. It takes a lot to get her to snort. Please check this out, there are pages and pages of crazy happenings. Wow. It just makes you speechless.

Am I getting old?

This morning I went on a walk. I left at about 7:00, so I was prepared for the fact that I would probably encounter some...ugh....teenagers going to school since we live so close to a High School and a Middle School. I do have a little bit of a problem with teenagers. They intimidate me like CRAZY! I have a somewhat insecure complex when it comes to people younger then me. In this one-upping each other society we seem to live in, I have fallen victim to feeling I must be cooler then people younger then me. So, on approaching this teenage boy this morning, who was extremly emo (urbandictionary.com) if I do say so myself, I immediately started to evaluate my coolness. I went through my outfit thinking, I've got wide leg black workout pants, a cute green shirt with cool designs on it, a purple ipod with a pink case, comfy shoes that don't look too momish. I reassured myself thinking, I'm good, I'm cool. I just have to walk by and give a quick half-smile smirk with the quick double eyebrow raise. I continued walking towards him at a brisk pace minus the speed walking Mom arms I had going before I saw him. The moment came. I successfully smirked with the fake eyebrow raise that somehow seemed amicable and gave myself a pat on the back thinking I was successful. Then, disaster struck. I was so freaked I was walking so far to the right of the sidewalk, that my foot when off the sidewalk and I got it stuck in the dirt. I of course fell forward and it all happened just after the somewhat amicable eyebrow raise he didn't seem to take as friendly. Still making eye contact when I fell forward, I could see his face cringe up and scowl as if he was saying, "Ma'am, really? Go back to 1990. You're too old."

It was at that moment I realized how ridiculous this entire moment in my life was. I continued walking and whispered to myself, "I'll show him and all these other hooligan teenagers running around town wearing what can hardly be called pants!" I started up my Mom power arms and continued walking, reflecting on how ridiculously old I seem to be getting.

Not even five minutes later I saw some Mom's standing at the Bus stop waiting with their kids. When I saw them my first thought was, "Hey! some new friends!" That's when I decided I was really getting old. I quickly fumbled to change the song on my iPod to Cobra Star Ship and Metro Station. I knew those Mom's would have never heard of those bands. I felt young again...until my ears started to cringe at the noise level of my music. I then succumbed to aging and it's natural process and finished my workout to Il Divo and Michael Buble. Let the Momification process begin.

I have NEVER liked Kanye West. His lyrics are ridiculous and he's just dumb. This video of him tonight proves just how idiotic he is, and that he simply needs to get over himself. If you didn't see it, Taylor Swift was given the award for best female video and Kanye thought Beyonce should have won, and felt the need to make an outburst and a scene over the event. Later Beyonce, who's wonderful!, won best video of the year. She graciously gave her moment to Taylor Swift and allowed her to finally have her moment.

Calling in Sick for Work

Last night I felt as if I was going to die at work. I had a headache that was in my eyeball sockets, it hurt to keep my eyes open, life was not good. Then, I saw a light, and Iwent towards it. Reaching up with both arms. Then I realized I was staring at the light in the ceiling. I had been stepping up on a step stool to get more potato chips to refill the shelf of chips in the pantry.

That was when I knew I wasn't doing too well. Luckily, that happened at about 8:45, so I did not have long to go left in the day. My plan was to come home, take three TylenolPM and go right to sleep. I did just that. I woke up and I was not feeling well at all, I had some....stomach flu....like symptoms. I will spare you the details.

So 1:30 rolls around, and I'm still not feeling well. All day I had been hoping that I would get better eventually, but I didn't. So I decided to call my manager and let him know that I was not feeling well enough to come in and since I was in the Pantry, I really shouldn't come in because I would contaminate the food. I felt really bad calling, this was the first time I had called in sick and I didn't really know what to say. I told him the truth though, that I had some stomach flu symptoms an just don't feel well enough to be at work. But, like Sonnie always tells me, "Watch out for number #1!" So, that's what I had to do today.

I'm not looking to get married tomorrow. In this lifetime, yes I would like it to happen. In the next 6 months? No. The next year? It's pushing it, but you never know. To quicken the process, I picked up a "beach-self-help-not-satisfied-with-life" book. Of course, like millions of other women who have been vying for this book, I'm not willing to pay for it. So I went to the library. It took 15 minutes of standing at the spot of the book to finally decide to just go along with it for fun. I was blockading a 3 foot buffer zone to the left and right of me including the sewing, crafting books, right next to the "beach-self-help-not-satisfied-with-life" books just to make sure no one else picked up the same title, which there was only one copy of! Sign number 5 I need to be reading this book. If there's only one copy left, it's hot! If there are no copies, then my oh my it's white hot! Ok, I've talked this book up enough. It's called "Get Seroius About Getting Married: 365 proven ways to find love in less than a year". Now, let's not all roll our eyes at once. Believe me, I rolled my own eyes at myself plenty of times within the past 12 hours pondering what to do with this book. I've past it for weeks now at the library, every time I go I think how funny it would be to get it, follow it and blog about it. (Secretly, I'm just trying to become a movie, like the recent Julie and Julia movie. Next I'll be reading 365 tips to be in a movie in less then a year!)

So enough of the chit chat, let's get down to business. Part one of the book talks about preperation being everything. UGH! I go to work and I prepare rolls and cakes and mints and chicken salad for the next day. At home I prepare dinner (when pigs fly) and make sure that I prepare my clean clothes for work tomorrow. Why is everything about preparing. ENOUGH with the P word. The author, Janis Spindel, also referred to "preparing" as "laying the groundwork". I'm sorry, but am I simply the foundation of a house? I'm not just the foundation I AM THE HOUSE and everything inside of it! And the lawn! I see her point, yet I also am sick of preparing. I want to go and do as we have been dilligently taught since sunbeams! Go and Do not Sit and Stew!

Ok, I'm 3/4 of the way through the first chapter. This is for desperate people, women in particular. I would like to make it clear that I am not desperate.

I just finished flipping through the book. What was I thinking? I'm in over my head. Me, married?!?! Silly me. While I was looking forward to providing a month of entertaining blog posts of me "finding love in the Mile High City" its not going to happen with this book. I should have read the back cover before I brought the book home. It reads, "The ultimate guide to finding your soul mate for the smart, sophisticated 35+ woman".

DESTRUCTION!

MY PARENTS BEDROOM HAS TURNED INTO A CONSTRUCTION ZONE.  WE (yes, I've been helping) HAVE BEEN DOING THE DEMOLITION OURSELVES.  AND, SOME THINGS WE DIDN'T WANT DEMOED HAVE BEEN UNFORTUNATELY.  FOR INSTANCE, THERE IS A MIRROR THAT HANGS AT THE END OF THE LONG HALLWAY ON OUR FIRST FLOOR THAT ENDS BY THE BATHROOM FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FAMILIAR WITH OUR HOUSE.  IT SHARES A WALL THAT IT HANGS TO WITH THE CLOSET OF MY PARENTS BEDROOM.  THIS WALL WAS PARTIALLY DEMOED ON THE SIDE OF THE CLOSET, BUT NOT ON THE SIDE THAT HOLDS THE MIRROR.  WELL, THIS MORNING WE ALL AWOKE (Dad didn't hear a thing!) TO A VERY LOUD CRASH.  I THOUGHT MY MOM WAS UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER AND UNLOADING STRESS AT THE SAME TIME AND BANGING PLATES AND CUPS TOGETHER REALLY LOUD FOR SOME REASON.  THEN WHEN I WOKE UP AND REALIZED THE MIRROR CRASHED I ASKED MY MOM WHAT HAPPENED.  SHE THOUGHT THE LOUD CRASH WAS ME DROPPING THINGS, AND THEN SHE WOKE UP WHILE I WAS STILL SLEEPING AND SAW THE CRASHED MIRROR IN MILLIONS OF PIECES.  SO, LESSON LEARNED.  WE MAY NOT BE THE SMARTEST ABOUT DEMO, AS DUST IS ALL OVER THE BASEMENT JUST BELOW WHERE THE BEDROOM IS, BUT WE GET THE JOB DONE.  IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR DEMO HELP, I CHARGE $10 AN HOUR, HAVE MY OWN CROW BAR AND A RECIPROCATING SAW.  I KNOW HOW TO USE THE CROW BAR....BUT NOT THE SAW.  OH, I ALSO CHARGE AN EXTRA $50 A DAY FOR ANY ACCIDENTS SUCH AS SLASHING MY HAND OPEN.